A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
Training is important
One day a pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The bartender asked the pirate, "Where did ya get that peg leg from?" The pirate responded, "We were sailing the seas when a big old shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg." Later the bartender asked, "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked, "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said, "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over-head and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."